Hello, Goodbye, all that fits in between

I last posted on Feb 20, 2015. that was 362 days ago. so much has happened since then, but i've had a lot of writer's block every time i've sat down to write. it's my birthday eve and tomorrow is a milestone birthday for me. i've thought a lot about it since there's so much hype around turning 30.

Thirty.

it just sounds so adult. like you should have your shit together by then. you're a real grown up. you have a career, married, kids or all of the above. i remember being younger and thinking that 30 was an age where you've made it. you're sure of yourself and figured out life. it was a magical age of things falling into place and running smoothly.

it was all a stupid delusion.

let me tell you what it's really like: it's rushing out the door so you won't be late for work and then realizing five minutes too late you left your phone on the coffee table. it's still breaking down in the middle of the day in tears over a broken heart. it's still doubting whether or not you're making the right life choices, if you're becoming the person you want to be or should be, or even figuring out the difference. it's realizing how the best things are often small and seemingly insignificant, that the quietest gestures make the biggest impact. it's learning to let go to hold on. it's stumbling through life with less hangovers (because by now you've either learned to abide by your limit or found that perfect morning after cure). you're legitimately not a kid anymore and the world expects a lot more from you. but in reality it takes a lot longer for you to catch up and feel like that "adult". well, it does for me at least. in many ways 20 is a lifetime ago and in just as many ways it feels like yesterday. i thought the paradox of being young and an adult would fade by 30. i feel just as torn, if not more. i have some wisdom with the experience from age but i'm also humble enough to know there's SO MUCH more to learn and experience. in that sense i feel like such a newbie at this adulthood thing. some days i'm nailing it and everything is on point, other days i'm....well, doing the dishes can feel like the major accomplishment of the day.

the truth is that i am definitely older (what are these new aches? i'm incapable of functioning on less than seven hours of sleep too) and sometimes wiser. i've spent the last decode coming to terms with the darker side of myself, the things that we don't openly share and talk about, while also embracing the quirky parts that make me uniquely me. i've had some constants in my life, those friend know who they are, and running is still a big part of who i am. (side note, i'm running the boston marathon for the second time AND running big sur marathon six days later. more about that another time). looking back on my 20s i feel comfortable saying goodbye. there are a lot of good memories to hold onto, friends that i've made and kept over the years and people who came and went but left an impact. i've fallen in love and had my heart broken (multiple times) as well as weathered loss, betrayal, and countless disappointments. i;ve been surprised by the amount of support i've gotten for various endeavors and humbled by the love i've been given. i've pushed myself past physical and mental and emotional limits beyond what i ever thought possible. i've faced countless fears and have been defeated by them as well. i've learned to love myself more as time goes one and to appreciate my body for what it can do rather than how it looks (although i am in better shape now than i've ever been! yay marathon training and having no life outside of that...). i've also tried to take the motto"carpe diem" to heart and really chase my dreams, literally and figuratively. i've been chasing views around the world and challenging myself to try new foods and activities along the way. i went to seven countries, skydiving, ran three marathons and seven half marathons, visited seven states, taught myself snowboarding, learned to surf, lived by myself, got my first tattoo and more. it's been a crazy, painful, challenging, delightful, inspiring roller coaster. i'm ready for the next decade and all it has to offer, good and bad. it's going to be worth the adventures.