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just another 20-something stumbling through life, one mile at a time.

Friday, December 21, 2012

let's get personal: life goes on so i'm running with it

i've been really bad about keeping this updated. i keep meaning to post, and i halfway start writing and then find myself distracted with other things. but two people said things to me that made me think and i feel the need to write as a result.

i stopped posting mainly because i stopped running for the better part of the last couple months. i ran a half in october, but i didn't train for it and sort of slacked off after too. i've come to realize that this blog isn't just about my running life, though i did set out for it to be that way; it crosses over into the personal stuff too. so here i am, getting personal.

i have mentioned in previous posts that i was in a relationship, without getting into gritty details, i had to end that a few days ago. when i realized the foundations upon which it was built were broken. it was a serious relationship; we didn't talk about *if* we would get married but *when*. as someone who never had marriage in my life plans, it was a big deal for me to think in those terms. a friend asked me how i was doing today, and i said i was honestly ok. the first couple of days were hard- a period of shock and pain and anger and confusion and then the numbness when you reach your emotional limit. my friend replied, surprised, "wow, you're tough. you're handling it so well." i didn't know how to answer that, so i just said "i can't change what's out of my control. i just have to move forward." in my head i was thinking, well i've had  a lot of other shit to deal with in my life. trauma is no stranger, in it's many forms of betrayal and disappointments. my own body is betraying me everyday. people that were closest to me and most trusted have taught me how deep pain can cut through you. accidents and cancer happens. and i realized i am tough, i have made it this far through each life bomb and i'm still standing. each time it feels like your world is collapsing, closing in on you and ending at your feet. but i've learned that it's just the world as i know it, that pain is from the breaking of the shell that encloses understanding (wish i could take credit for that line, but i read it somewhere and never forgot it).

then a little later i saw an email notification that someone left a comment on my blog (wait, people actually read what i write?? one: super awesome, two: how sweet!) and it really made my day. it was very encouraging and i cannot express how much it meant to me. this person said i helped cheer her up and give inspiration, which is more than i hoped to do with this blog. she also sent a link about a trial for artificial implants in patients with RP. a complete stranger took a few minutes of her day and made mine so much better. it's the little things in life.

i do have running related news to share as well. i am signed up for the Nike Women's Half Marathon in DC next april. i'm trying to figure out the details of how to get a guide, and to find one. i would love to run the Rock N Roll Marathon New Orleans february 24, and they have even said i can get a coach bib if i find a guide. which is the big issue...finding someone willing to stick with me for 26.2 miles and not get a finishing medal or official finishing time of their own. ah well, i've had bigger challenges than that before ;) so if there's anyone out there reading this that would be interested, or knows a runner willing to be a guide, please let me know!

one last thing i'm appreciating throughout the shit storms is that people can be wonderfully surprising. i've been touched by kind words and hugs from unexpected places. it's easy to focus on all the awful painful parts of life, reflect on that growing list of tragedies and overlook the good that people show you in those times. despite the harm that people can and may cause, there are much more sources of warmth and comfort to restore your faith in this world. no matter what happens, life goes on and so will you and i. after all even winnie the pooh got it: "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

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