Hello, Goodbye, all that fits in between

I last posted on Feb 20, 2015. that was 362 days ago. so much has happened since then, but i've had a lot of writer's block every time i've sat down to write. it's my birthday eve and tomorrow is a milestone birthday for me. i've thought a lot about it since there's so much hype around turning 30.

Thirty.

it just sounds so adult. like you should have your shit together by then. you're a real grown up. you have a career, married, kids or all of the above. i remember being younger and thinking that 30 was an age where you've made it. you're sure of yourself and figured out life. it was a magical age of things falling into place and running smoothly.

it was all a stupid delusion.

let me tell you what it's really like: it's rushing out the door so you won't be late for work and then realizing five minutes too late you left your phone on the coffee table. it's still breaking down in the middle of the day in tears over a broken heart. it's still doubting whether or not you're making the right life choices, if you're becoming the person you want to be or should be, or even figuring out the difference. it's realizing how the best things are often small and seemingly insignificant, that the quietest gestures make the biggest impact. it's learning to let go to hold on. it's stumbling through life with less hangovers (because by now you've either learned to abide by your limit or found that perfect morning after cure). you're legitimately not a kid anymore and the world expects a lot more from you. but in reality it takes a lot longer for you to catch up and feel like that "adult". well, it does for me at least. in many ways 20 is a lifetime ago and in just as many ways it feels like yesterday. i thought the paradox of being young and an adult would fade by 30. i feel just as torn, if not more. i have some wisdom with the experience from age but i'm also humble enough to know there's SO MUCH more to learn and experience. in that sense i feel like such a newbie at this adulthood thing. some days i'm nailing it and everything is on point, other days i'm....well, doing the dishes can feel like the major accomplishment of the day.

the truth is that i am definitely older (what are these new aches? i'm incapable of functioning on less than seven hours of sleep too) and sometimes wiser. i've spent the last decode coming to terms with the darker side of myself, the things that we don't openly share and talk about, while also embracing the quirky parts that make me uniquely me. i've had some constants in my life, those friend know who they are, and running is still a big part of who i am. (side note, i'm running the boston marathon for the second time AND running big sur marathon six days later. more about that another time). looking back on my 20s i feel comfortable saying goodbye. there are a lot of good memories to hold onto, friends that i've made and kept over the years and people who came and went but left an impact. i've fallen in love and had my heart broken (multiple times) as well as weathered loss, betrayal, and countless disappointments. i;ve been surprised by the amount of support i've gotten for various endeavors and humbled by the love i've been given. i've pushed myself past physical and mental and emotional limits beyond what i ever thought possible. i've faced countless fears and have been defeated by them as well. i've learned to love myself more as time goes one and to appreciate my body for what it can do rather than how it looks (although i am in better shape now than i've ever been! yay marathon training and having no life outside of that...). i've also tried to take the motto"carpe diem" to heart and really chase my dreams, literally and figuratively. i've been chasing views around the world and challenging myself to try new foods and activities along the way. i went to seven countries, skydiving, ran three marathons and seven half marathons, visited seven states, taught myself snowboarding, learned to surf, lived by myself, got my first tattoo and more. it's been a crazy, painful, challenging, delightful, inspiring roller coaster. i'm ready for the next decade and all it has to offer, good and bad. it's going to be worth the adventures.

fitness friday: do you know where your next great sweat is?

one of the coolest things about being a Sweat Pink Ambassador is being in the know of new fitness news, like a studio opening in SF. even cooler is getting dibs to try it out and inviting friends to work out with me at a discount! Uforia Studios has an awesome studio in Palo Alto and they're bring their enthusiasm for a great sweat to Nob Hill. it's great mix of something for everyone: spin, yoga, cardio, dance...so many ways to get moving and fit.

as i mentioned in a previous post, i'm training for a marathon again and i'm trying to keep pushing myself to try new things. i'm not a coordinated person but i'm forcing myself to branch out and try hip hop classes at Uforia. i'll be the one in the back trying to know look like fish out of water, flailing my arms about and probably tripping over my own feet. it's gonna be great!

i'm also looking forward to getting my ass kicked in spin classes since i haven't been to one in years. with the energetic pump up music they play no one should be able to hear me wheezing my way through class. again, it's gonna be great!

i really can't wait to try all the different classes in a shiny new studio for my cross training. over the years and many attempts of running a marathon i've learned so so very important cross training is. seriously, it's more important than running sometimes. the more cross training i do the better overall fitness i have and the more i can sustain higher mileage training.  whether your fitness goals are for a race PR, lose weight, gt stronger, or look good naked (don't worry, we all secretly want that!) the best way to achieve that is to mix it up and try out different work outs. and now you can experience the best sweat of your life at Uforia SF  AND save 50% off a 10- or 20-class package with the code LOVERUNPINK. if you're still hesitant to commit that much, you can use the code for half off a single drop in class too. win-win either way!

my friends at Fit Approach passed along this do/don'ts list for my first hip hop class:

- Don't wear the loosest clothes you own, you might shake them off!  (got it, no free shows! ;))

- Don't be afraid to push the envelope, wear a hat or bandana o something that makes you feel a little more bad ass (pshhh i'm a bad ass everyday!)

- Don't hide near the back of the class; the best way to learn is when you can see the rockstar instructors in full view. (ok ok, but i blame you guys if i end up not so gracefully smacking my neighbors)

- Do smile while you sweat and don't forget your water bottle! (pretty sure i can just look in the mirror and laugh at myself hip hopping)

- Do harness your inner Beyonce- feel free to wear things that shimmer (would queen bey approve of a tiara?)

-Do wear your most comfortable shoes (decisions decisions- my collection is up to 28 pairs now!)

come laugh with/at me, sweat/spin/dance it out and challenge yourself! and look for upcoming pictures (and maaaaaybe a video) of my (mis)adventures.

running scared

i remember my first track meet. it was at a local high school and i was a scrawny, shy, slightly insecure sixth grader. i was running the mile and i was at the start line feeling my heart beat way too fast and my hands getting sweaty. i was the only person from my school running this event and i hated that there was an audience. i was thinking how maybe joining track was a terrible idea (even though my friends and crush were doing it, which was the only reason why i signed up). i was a competitive kid in the sense that i always wanted to do my best and do well. ok, i was a perfectionist. but now i was competing in a sport that was more of an individual effort than a team. now there was more focus on me and i was terrified of falling flat on my face.


i came in sixth place that race and got a ribbon which is in a box somewhere in my parents' garage. that first race taught me a lot since i didn't do as well as i'd hoped but i also managed to overcome the race anxiety to finish. like so many things in life, i'm often terrified of taking that first step without any idea of what the outcome will be. usually it's a balance of being pleasantly surprised and mildly disappointed. the first race of my running career wasn't great or terrible but i did finish the season with several medals and records, some of which i think stand today. life lesson: push through and chase dreams.

that was almost two decades ago (holy crap i'm getting old!) and i'm still trying to remember to push through and chase dreams. I'm still running scared at times, literally and figuratively. i'm training for the Boston marathon and i'm terrified of getting injured before then, of not training hard enough, of even running itself at times. my vision is unpredictable and sometimes i have bad days without any warning. i went for a run last week and felt like i couldn't get into a groove and also had more flashing lights in my vision than usual. one of the scariest things about going blind is how it will affect running for me. it already has since i can't race solo (at this time i want to shout out to the amazing guides i've had for past races, especially julie who ran CIM with me and got me to a BQ and Sammie, who will be my guide for Boston. running 26.2 for someone else is so incredibly generous in both spirit and time). i can't run in low light setting at dusk or dawn and forget any night running. i also sometimes have trouble on trails, i have ot be extra vigilant when crossing streets. and sometimes, like last week, i have to stop until the flashing lights clear up a little more. when i run a lone i run much slower since i need more time to scan so i won't trip or hit things. these all suck out some of the joy of running. and yes, i can run with people and it makes it a little easier, but it's not the same. running alone is about being free and enjoying the solitude for me. i'm losing that and it's been more difficult than i ever imagined.

february is Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month. lately i've been really fucking aware of my RP and what seems to be increasing limitations on my life. i've been living with it for over a decade and sometimes it feels like i've gotten better at coping and adjusting, like laughing at myself when i almost trip over something or walk into a chair. and sometimes i feel like break down over small things, like knocking over a full glass like i did this morning. i literally set down the glass in front of me on the counter a minute before completely missing it in my vision field and knocking it over. it wasn't a terrible mess to clean up and nothing was ruined or broken, except i broke down crying. it's always going to be a mourning process because my eyes are dying. i'm not giving up on living a full life, but i sometimes wonder if maybe you can't always pick up the pieces. maybe some pieces can never be put back together and they're lost forever. sometimes it's hard to let go of those pieces and that's when i realize how fucking exhausting it is to battle and struggle every day. even small incidences that seems harmless can be so frustrating and hurtful. i can't tell you how many times a day i "lose" things that are right in front of me. my sunglasses will be six inches from me on the table but it might as well be hidden under the couch. someone tries to show me something on their phone and it's right in my face but i don't even notice. tiny little hits that add up to thousands of moments can really take a toll on you. and then there are the bigger things, like when the power went out in my building and i had to finish packing for a flight. i basically had a panic attack because i could barely see a thing in my room during the middle of the day. there's a tree that blocks my window so only small patches of natural light come through, and while a person with healthy vision would manage to see well enough i was struggling physically and emotionally. even using a computer is a strain since i often lose the cursor on the screen. i spend probably half my time searching for things and half my time trying not to bump into things.

one thing i loved about track was that even though there were individual events that you won or lost on your own there was also a team behind you. you could lose one race and still win as a team. you had others to cheer you on and push you to be better, and vice versa. and i'm really lucky that i have family and friends who are on my team  to help me get through the bad days and cheer me on until the end of the race. a great quote i heard recently is by the late stuart scott who battled cancer for nearly a decade while still being an upbeat ESPN anchor. i watched his ESPY speech and this was my favorite part: 

"So live. Live! Fight like hell. And when you get too tired to fight, then lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you."

this applies to all of us because we each have our own demons and battles to fight, and we each need others to help push us through and chase our dreams

i'm still running scared but i keep trying to remind myself it's not about the finish line. it's about taking that first step and to keep moving forward.

training with fitmob: barre, boxing and booty shaking, oh my!

i'm one week away from my first marathon. the last couple of weeks have been hectic with more work hours, training, changing my diet (and CONSTANTLY eating) plus gearing up for the holidays. i joined the fitmob campaign through my sweat pink ambassadorship  for cross training to increase my overall strength, as well as challenge myself to new experiences. it was a challenge alright, both physically and emotionally.

all the classes are in san francisco and at first i was excited to spend more time in the city even though i knew i'd be commuting back and forth between workouts and work. i went to new neighborhoods and took muni for the first time. i got lost several times. i walked into studios and immediately assessed my surroundings to not bump into anything of anyone. i was often rushing from place to place, running to bus stops and through bart stations. i've dealt with commute crowds which is one of my anxiety triggers. i survived.

i tried out four different types of of classes/studios: barre at Elevate Fitness Group, sambo at FitFight Inc, boxing at Hit Fit SF, and pole flow at Cardio-Tone. there were more i wanted to try but after my first week i found that some classes filled up FAST, like aerial conditioning at Circus Fitness. and given my schedule i couldn't always reserve so far in advance. regardless, i was happy with the experience i had. even the getting lost in a not so great area of SF and then finding a muni station only to get on the wrong train and have it break down. at night. i was definitely ready to cry and call an uber but thankfully i have some really awesome friends, and one of them calmly and so patiently talked me through finding my way. and then even bought me dinner to sooth my frazzled nerves. 

at the beginning of each class i let the instructor know i had no peripheral vision and each person was really great about trying to understand my limitations and accommodate me so that i could have the best experience possible without being weird or awkward or overly sympathetic about it. they were professional and respectful and super nice. 

what i learned from each class:

Barre-  sounds simple but damn I worked up a sweat. for those who are unaware of barre type classes they are a mix of yoga, pilates, ballet barre work and strength training. the studio i went to had personal barres that could adjust to different heights depending if we were doing standing exercises or floor work and used resistance bands for strength training. i used blue, which was their highest level of resistance and thought about how far i've come from using yellow bands in physical therapy.

sambo- this is russian martial arts developed in the 1920s for military hand to hand combat. i thought this was going to be another hour long class...until an hour in the instructor said to get ready for the real workout. gulp. i survived, albeit sweaty and sore. i was the smallest person in the class but still learned to knock someone on their back. i felt awkward and clumsy for most of the class until we had a tumbling session (to gain spatial awareness for falling) and when the instructor was going over the steps for a cartwheel i smirked. i was the last one in line to tumble across the mat and after my first cartwheel the the instructor asked if i was gymnast or a dancer. nope, i just cartwheel on beaches! (proof on my instagram loverunpink)

boxing- i got up at 5:30 am to make it to boxing. i also got some pink gloves =) i did kickboxing in high school so i had enough experience to skip the usual mandatory beginner classes and went to intermediate. turns out i'm a bit rustier than i thought. and i suck at jump roping. but the instructor did notice i had good form, especially in the freestyle period of the class. it was weird to not add in kicks to the combos. this made me realize i really miss kickboxing as well and am looking into getting back into that again. my dad fully supported kickboxing in high school and paid for my membership because he liked the idea that any guy who dated me would know i could throw a punch if i had to. 

pole flow-this class reinforced my clumsiness. i've wanted to do a pole fitness class for a few years, since i discovered a youtube video of the world pole dancing championships. the ladies were incredibly fit and graceful, true athletes. i signed up for this class and had a lot of fun and earned a few bruises. most of what i do is static work outs, and this one is well, flowy. i went to a beginner/intermediate class and there were other first timers there, but i was most clearly the least graceful. and those previous classes where i thought i was so strong? ha. pole flow put me in check. i would do it again though because i'm stubborn and always want to get better at whatever i'm not good at.

some classes, like boxing and sambo, had some partner exercises which were more difficult for me. with my tunnel vision i couldn't easily see where to punch/move/etc when working with someone else. it's a little nerve wracking trying to overcompensate and be hyper aware, as well as properly execute moves. the people in the classes were really great about being patient and offering advice. i guess that's the thing about the fitness community- with all those feel good exercise hormones we help and encourage each other to do our best. 

i think i've covered most of the pros of my fitmob experience. one more thing is that while $99/mo is still a bit pricey for me (especially when i already have a gym membership in the east bay close to work), it's a really great value considering the variety of classes you can try out. drop in rates for the classes i took range from $20-30, and i was going to classes at least twice a week. plus there's the value of exploring new fitness options so that you'll never get bored with your work out routine,

recently they added some gyms to passport and a lower monthly rate for a year commitment ($59.mo for 12 months) so it's becoming more accessible and affordable. as a start up there's a lot of room for growth and changes so i'm curious to see how it evolves.

now for the cons:

right now fitmob is only in SF/Marin area and Seattle. if they expand to the east bay I think I would jump on board immediately. right now i'm on the fence. there's an app to use but it's only for iPhone and i'm a die hard android user. thismeant i had to use the not so great mobile site and also had a few technical difficulties, such as random classes being added to my schedule that i didn't sign up for and trouble cancelling a class. the very first class i signed up for was a cardio dance class and when i showed  up to the studio no one was there. i waited around a bit and then the owner arrived and said the class had been cancelled so she emailed everyone the night before. i never got a notification and thought i contacted fitmob i still don't know if it was on the studio's end or theirs. it was pretty shitty since it was my first weekend off in months where i wasn't travelling for a wedding, bachelorette party, birthday party, etc and wasted a morning rushing to the the city for a cancelled class. another thing is i could immediately tell the website is not very handicap accessible friendly, especially on mobile. i made these comments in a feedback survey so hopefully the technical parts will improve.

overall i am really glad i challenged myself to break out of my comfort zone to do this. plus i'm also stronger than i've ever been before, and probably in the best shape of my life. i've had to really focus and commit to my training, which means my social life has suffered a bit (my parents text me to make sure i'm still alive since i don't have much time for phone calls). i signed up for CIM four weeks ago and i feel confident i've done the best i could in that training period and now i have one week to go.  i'm cautious, nervous, excited, hopeful among other things. strangely, pre-race week will probably be the hardest part. i just need to not psych myself out or burn out.

and keep reminding myself that there will be beer and brownies at the finish.

Trials of Miles

"The only true way is to marshal the ferocity of your ambition over the course of many days, weeks, months, and (if you could finally come to accept it) years. The Trial of Miles; Miles of Trials. How could he make them understand?” 

-Once A Runner

in 2011 i signed up to run a marathon. i trained for months, trading in nights out with my friends for early morning runs and thinking twice about what i ate. there were times where i felt so exhausted and times where i felt like i couldn't eat enough to ever feel full. it was a twisted kind of love and a life changing year in many ways. all my training came crashing on me while i was sitting in an exam room on october 11 when the doctor told me that i wouldn't be running the race on october 16. i fought back tears and lost.

i dropped out of the marathon i spent four months preparing for and took the time to heal from a stress fracture and a broken heart. oh, the Trial of Miles, the Miles of Trials.

three years later i connected with the right people and found myself as a last minute addition to a group of visually impaired (VI) runners participating in the california international marathon (CIM). holy crap, there are organized groups of blind runners?? this was amazing news to stumble upon. even more amazing, CIM graciously allowed me to register late and the volunteer coordinator at United States Association of Blind Athletes (USABA) found me two guides for the race. that means i'm running my first marathon. CIM here i come!

it's been a whirlwind the past couple of weeks but oddly, things have been falling into place to make this dream a reality. another opportunity also presented itself and i was another last minute addition to a fitness campaign in SF, i joined fitmob to try out new exercise classes in the city. (full disclosure: I received the opportunity to take part in the fitmob campaign through my ambassadorship with Fit Approach. All opinions are my own.)

what is fitmob, you ask? it's a one stop shop fitness membership. what that means is for one monthly membership fee you have access to various fitness boutique studios and gyms. you don't have to worry about drop in class fees or spending hundreds each month to have your yoga class, boot camp, and spin workouts. this was perfectly timed with signing up for CIM since now i can amp up my cross training routine with barre, boxing, booty shaking dance classes and more. i love the variety of options and the chance to try out new activities that i may not ordinarily go out of my way to pay for, like capoeira. which, by the way, is a brazilian martial arts/dance combination.

because there are SO many classes i want to try out, my life has become revolved around training. i'm running, rushing to the city for a workout, working and sometimes sleeping. they say it takes a special kind of crazy to run a marathon and it's true. but it's also a good kind of crazy.

and to celebrate this good kind of crazy, i'm doing my first ever giveaway! i'm a month away of fulfilling my dream of becoming a marathoner that's taken three years and counting. one of the many, many hard lessons i've learned from my training mishaps is that one should NEVER underestimate the importance of cross training. that's why i've partnered up with fitmob to get my ass in gear for this race. as a result, you can win a $50 Nike gift card for new gear to chase your own fitness dreams! enter here. to sign up for fitmob (come get sweaty with me! and see how uncoordinated i am) the first 2000 mobbers will get $1 sign up for november.
i'm not a morning person but i find my self setting an alarm for 5-6 am daily to train, cutting out my beloved junk food (i readily admit i have a huge sweet tooth. i'm actually known as the cookie monster in some circles), and even passing on delicious craft beer with friends for the sake of trying to be my healthiest and strongest self. whenever i ask myself why am i doing this again?, particularly at times when it seems impossible to get out of my warm and cozy bed or sluggishly making my way up a seemingly endless hill, i think about one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books: “Running to him was real; the way he did it the realest thing he knew. It was all joy and woe, hard as a diamond; it made him weary beyond comprehension. But it also made him free.” it all becomes worth it every time i reach that sweet spot where my legs are on auto pilot and my mind is free. it's the purest joy i've ever felt when i'm completely lost in the run and i'm transcended from running to flying.

yeah, that's why i'm doing this.

rants and recovery: race recap

[let me preface this post by saying i am so grateful to have completed another race relatively physically and emotionally intact thanks to God and an awesome guide. i don't often mention mention anything religious on this blog but i seriously made it through those 13.1 miles thanks to a lot of prayer.]

i hate crowds.

like, really really hate crowds. i've never liked them (who does, really?) but as my vision has gotten worse i've grown to really despise being in crowded situations. it's sometimes panic inducing being in a sea of people and i feel frozen not knowing if i should take a step and risk hitting someone/something. recently i've been better (read: more open due to my new IDGAF attitude) about having my cane on me, and you know, actually using it in certain situations- i.e. dark or crowded environments. but as a runner with marathon aspirations, i find myself in quite the conundrum: how do i race (and run decently well) surrounded by people i can't see? answer: grin and bear it? run with flailing arms so people stay far away from me? just blast "Move Bitch" on repeat and hope people follow Ludacris' directions? i'm open to suggestions people!

in all seriousness this is something i've been trying to figure out with each race i've done, mentally taking notes through the miles and forgetting most, if not all, of them once i cross the finish (side note, up to 4 half marathons now. starting to put that medal/bib holder to use!). that is a recurring problem i seem to have, having brilliant and deep thoughts while running only to have them vanish from memory once i'm in a position to write them down. it's a learning process as i try to navigate crowds while running, even with someone being a guide. shit is hard enough walking around crowds. and from what i hear, even runners with perfect vision can have trouble with crowded races due to to the fact that SOME people just don't know how to fucking get out of the way. for reals, there needs to be an official race/running etiquette guide and reading that should be a requirement for all race participants. we have emily post for social etiquette and MLA for writing so where is the running manual, especially for racing? (while we're at it, a guide to life would be useful since it appears a lot of people aren't familiar with common sense). topics can include etiquette for track workouts and urban road/sidewalk rules as well as DON'T EVER SUDDENLY STOP RUNNING while in a sea of people. unless you're the last person or accidentally fall, moving to the side would prevent a lot of collisions and frustration. i just don't get people who are coasting a long and then just stop in the middle of the road. no, that is NOT an appropriate time for a race selfie or to "capture the moment". if you can walk and text (because don't lie, we've all done it at least once) then you can run and instagram, or better yet, be aware of others and move to the side to take a breather/picture/tie your shoe/whatever. this probably sounds so obvious to you and me, but it happens an unfathomably amount of times. yes, UNFATHOMABLY is the only word i feel appropriate,because i can't fathom a world where it makes logical sense to straight up stop within a moving crowd. in case you haven't noticed, this is probably my biggest peeve about other runners in races. like, why can't we all follow traditional road rules and have a "slower" lane for people who run/walk and a "passing" lane for those who decide to pick up speed or got stuck in a slower start corral. i understand that corrals are designed to get similarly paced people running in the same pack, but let's be real: people lie and over/underestimate their running times. also you  never know what kind of running day it will be for you so maybe you have an off day or amazing race juju. just like life, running is unpredictable and people need to GTFO of the way.

 implementing this sort of rule would also help eliminate people zigging and zagging and cutting others off. not sure how much other people are affected by it, but i have no peripheral vision and so people are literally coming out of no where for me. so i'm just la-di-daing along, thinking "yay i'm running! this is awesome...but is it almost over yet? i wish i had a baby pand-" when BAM!  there's a person kicking my shins as i almost trip over them. a friend was running with me as a guide, but she was in front of me so i wouldn't run into objects and follow her while weaving through the crowds. it doesn't help when someone steps right in between us, which happened at least a dozen times during the race. i also had a run in with a trash can at a water stop and then tripped and fell over a bump around mile 8. i had a brief hug with the ground. that's a nice way of saying i ate shit and banged up my knee. this is a race first, and most likely not last.

another first was getting a leg cramp at about mile 12. i suppose the bright side is that it happened with only 1.1 miles to go. but when it comes to leg cramps and running, there really isn't much of a bright side. overall is was a pretty crappy race experience but like most runners will tell you, i still thought about what my next one will be after i crossed the finish line. finish lines are kind of magical like that: you start to forget how miserable you were before that and just think about toeing the next start line.

three six five

i'm writing and posting this from boston, a city that i love very much despite the brief amount of time i've spent here. even before i first visited in 2012 the city always called to me. once i arrived it was love at first sight.

april 14, 2013 i was having a lovely sunday. i worked and was running home from the store enjoying the fresh spring weather. just after two miles i took a fateful misstep and fell. i was training for the highly anticipated inaugural nike women's 1/2 marathon in dc and instead i got crushing news and crutches. it was an end to one dream and a beginning to a nightmare: 13 weeks of crutches and frustration and painful growing pains.

the next morning i woke up still feeling devastated when i did my morning routine of checking email and news (and ok, yes, facebook and instagram) and my heart dropped as i saw the headlines and photos. there are probably a handful of moments that you will remember every detail for the rest of your life; my mom still remembers being in her first grade classroom when she found out about JFK, we can all somberly recall where we were when 9/11 happened - moments where the events are so shocking they can't be real and so the world stops while details imprinted in your memory forever. everything changes.

the boston bombing hit every runner in the heart. i've mentioned how running is my one true love and someone was attacking my love! it was heartbreaking and confusing. i was on the opposite side of the country and didn't even know anyone there at the time, but i still had an acutely emotional reaction. the Boston Marathon is the ultimate marathon for runners and holds such a special place within the community. and the city, the city that captured my heart just a year before, was now bleeding. there really aren't words.

i know that with the anniversary being tomorrow and the race happening again soon there are countless reports and articles and tributes and the like as people try to find the words that are never never sufficient. those directly affected are still healing and all that we all can do is just keep moving forward. one foot in front of the other, one mile at a time.

in the days and weeks after i loved how people, and runners, banded together to support each other and the city of boston. Boston Strong. Run For Boston. The One Fund. there are photos that show the chaotic destruction and outpouring of humanity of people rushing to aid victims. As everyone's favorite neighbor, Mr. Rogers, said "“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'” that's the beauty from the pain: hope and humanity still manage to shine through.

last fall i got a new coworker who grew up in the boston area. on his first day i had briefly overheard how he was from boston and later found out he actually ran it. he worked at marathon sports which is right at the finish line and became the emergency triage after the bombs exploded. even though we eventually became friends in addition to colleagues i never felt like i could ask him about that day. i don't feel like it's my place to pry and make him relive it just so i can try, and inevitably fail, to understand what it was like. i wasn't there so i'll never know. i have gotten bits and pieces as he voluntarily shared stories from time to time, especially as there's more attention in the weeks leading up to the race. he's running it again, and i know at least two other people running this year. i can't even imagine how bittersweet this year's event will be. for him, the survivors, residents, and all participants. this is going to be such a huge and memorable event..but it leaves me wondering if it should be? one of the biggest points i've gotten from my coworker is that the people who were there just want to move on. as this video shows, this year's race should be a celebration. so many runners dream of crossing that finish line, myself included. the tragedy of last year shouldn't take away from the joys of finishing and triumphing this year. we need to keep moving forward and looking to the future while appreciating the present. aren't we all better, stronger, wiser (hopefully). with that in mind i've been thinking about my own personal journey and struggles over the past year. that is in no way to say what i've dealt with compares to the pain and horrors the survivors of 2013 boston have, but that we can all learn a little about overcoming and moving on.

i broke my leg april 14, 2013. i was on crutches until july 17, 2013. i literally had to relearn how to walk since my brain was rewired to protect and favor my right leg. i got back on the proverbial horse and started running that august, completing a half marathon in october. i took time off to focus on strength training and balance, and to be really honest, i also had a huge fear of re-injuring myself. i told myself, and everyone else, that i joined a gym for injury prevention (which is partially true) and that i was taking a break from running to focus on cross training, i wasn't lying, but i wasn't completely honest. i had a brief run streak stint in late november/early december but i wasn't running that much or that well. i was playing it safe. i was hiding.

this fear turned into a real mental block as the rock n roll sf half marathon was approaching. i ran for about 21 miles TOTAL from jan 1-april 5. my half was april 6, and i ran all 13.1 without any major consequences. i have an awful habit of running half marathons without any proper training. (i know, so so bad and i promise i'm working on the whole consistency thing!) the weeks leading up to my race were crazy hectic with work and travel and so even working out at the gym suffered. bleh adulthood and responsibilities! i eventually started to adopt the attitude of "fuck it, i'm screwed anyway" and did NOTHING while eating also like crap. you know, that whole thing where people stop trying because they're afraid to try and suck. might as well not try and suck!

that's entirely not the right way to approach running, or anything in life for that matter. unfortunately the anxiety of being unprepared and working nonstop overwhelmed me so i was completely miserable going into the race. i kept thinking about just going out for any kind of run, no matter the distance or the pace, and yet i was gripped by fear. fear of another freak accident or crippling misstep. fear of actually being free and flying through the roads/trails. fear of getting lost in the run and it not ending badly. i was haunted by my accident a year ago, and as the race (and looming anniversary of the injury) approached i was psyched out. this is something everyone runner experiences at one point or another. i just haven't had it quite so bad before. i literally spent one of my few days off holed up in bed trying to sleep and netflix away reality. yeah, it was that bad. it's like being sucked into a black hole of nothingness and feeling either too weak or too paralyzed to even try to crawl out.

the night before the race i woke up about every hour dreading the the moment i'd have to be at the start and actually run those 13.1 miles of suckage. yeah, not the best attitude. despite all the weight and dread, i did make it to the start line. i didn't have a great race, but i didn't have the worst one either. and while i may have been thinking "why the fuck do i do this to myself? how is running this much even sane?" during the race, i definitely started thinking about what the next race should be once i was done. oh that runner's high, it tricks you into thinking running more is always the best idea!

i guess the main point of this post is that i'm glad i pushed through. i fought my own demons and showed up to the start line. i am proud of myself for that, and i am so inspired by all the boston runners for doing the same. the magnitude of them toeing the line is much greater and i am so excited for them. no matter the injury or the scars, running always manage to remind us that there's beauty and in the run and it's ultimately worth it. just like life.

more more more!

this year hasn't been much of a running year (yet). since christmas running has taken a back seat to life and cross training. but last week i finally laced up some sweet new running shoes and logged in miles on my favorite route: the maze of trails in the berkeley hills just a half mile from my apartment. and as usual, i got  lost  on my run, so i ended up running 75% more than i anticipated. i also ended up on a very hilly trail so there was that added fun too. so. many. hills.

this run was amazing for the usual and new reasons:

1) running is awesome. i feel like that needs no explanation. if it does, you just need to go run and find out for yourself.

2) trying out new shoes is always exciting. like the beginning stages of a relationship where you're trying to get a feel for things. and let's be real, runners have serious relationships with their shoes. whether they have loyalty to a brand/particular model or  try something new every time, it's a commitment for the next 500 miles. through sunny days and inclement weather. through ups and downs of injuries and PRs. i took my new brooks transcends out on my first outdoor run of the year and i feel like it's the start of a beautiful relationship. 

3) running is a great life teacher. the big lesson learned on this particular run was to breath and let go. the first two  miles of the run was an elevation climb. the second mile was pure hills. but the panoramic view of the bay at the top is a sweet sweet reward for punishing my legs. usually i take a moment to catch my breath, take a picture (gotta instagram it!) and then carry on. this time i actually sat on the look out bench and really took inthe view. it was a nice sunny day and just beautiful. so i sat there, enjoying the sunshine and view and zoned out for about 45 minutes. it's the first time i've ever meditated during a run and just be thankful for the moment. 

i continued on with my run and decided to try a different path. i sort of assumed the trail would loop around back to where i wanted to end up. it did not. i had moments of frustration as i tried to figure my way through, and then as time went on i realized that i was running out of phone battery and daylight. i started my run mid-late afternoon and while most people can comfortably run at dusk, i cannot. the sun was setting and i had a little less than an hour of good daylight to find my way back to civilization. i tried using my phone (yay google maps!) but not all of the smaller trails show up, and of course i had ventured off on one of those smaller off the beaten path trails. there was a moment when i realized that i was on the verge of having a panic attack. feeling stranded in the hills and running out of daylight and phone battery...scary position as a visually impaired runner. plus, i was getting REALLY hungry too. i could have just stopped and cried, which part of me felt like doing (and i was reallllly tempted to), but instead i kept running. i let go of my fears and just moved forward. and you know what? not ten minutes later i found a main pathway and reoriented myself. i chose to keep running, and actually enjoy the run instead of freaking out. i was no longer lost; i was on an adventure! this is something i need to remind myself in regular life too. because sometimes it really is about the journey, not the destination.

4) i love that tired run feeling. the feeling after a good workout where you feel sort of drained, and if you sat down you wouldn't move for hours. it's such a gratifying feeling and you get the best night's sleep afterward. the cherry on top was not having that dead leg feeling the next day. i thought for sure i'd be super sore and tired when i woke up but i felt great. and sometimes, like life, running surprises you like that.

end result: i just wanted to run more. more more more...

birthday princess ramblings

it's my birthday! i'm sitting here enjoying chocolate covered strawberries (with pink icing!) wearing my birthday tiara. yup, i have a birthday tiara that i wear every year for my birthday. it's been a tradition since i was 16 and at one point i thought maybe i'm too old for it but then thought "nope. it's my birthday bitches. i'm owning at least this one day every year."

having survived another 365 days, i've thought about what has happened in the past year as well as reflections on life in general. being older and hopefully wiser (eh...probably not. my breakfast today consisted of a fruit tart from my favorite little french bakery and dinner looks to be like birthday cake oreos) here's my own list of what i've learned so far (eat your heart out buzzfeed).

in no particular order:

1. self care was the hardest and yet most important life lesson i've achieved. and i mean self care in the truest all encompassing sense- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. this was something that took years of practice before it really sunk in. there were times when i did treat myself, but the trick is to *consistently* do it. it's like moisturizer in that the effects only really take place when you apply it daily. having struggled with losing my vision, among other major life setbacks, i was slow to catch on to regularly practicing self care. blindness never gets easier, but taking care of myself in all aspects has made me a lot happier, and coincidentally, healthier.

2. i will always be a work in progress. this seems like another obvious one, but accepting that fact has been a huge relief. i'm a recovering perfectionist and so in letting go of ideals and expectations i've gained a better stronghold of self. i know, that sounds like it doesn't even make sense. but yet i feel more free and secure at the same time. look at me, being philosophical and mature and shit. but for reals, i often got down  on myself for "not having my shit together"- not finishing school at the expected rate, not having a "solid career" (still trying to figure out what i want to be when  i "grow up"), or other usual life check marks. i've sort of adopted the longhairdon'tcare mentality about doing things i believe in/make  me happy. like taking time off from school to have the time and energy and extra money to run a marathon. i originally left school to recover from a car  accident and haven't made my way back yet.  i only recently realized i haven't because my bigger goal right now is running a marathon. i'm on a limited time frame for that as my vision continues to deteriorate so it's a bigger priority for me. some people may not understand, but whatever. not afraid to answer honestly anymore about school questions. i used to hate the "when are you going to graduate/are you in school right now/when are you going back?" questions. now i''ll just answer with "whenever i finish/nope not yet/and when i feel like it's the right time." i know in my heart getting my degree is a life goal that i'll accomplish in my own time on my own terms. even if everyone else has their own opinions about it, i just remind myself that sometimes you gotta say

this leads to my next point...

3. i've learned to stop apologizing for things i haven't done wrong. it's weird how some people can never seem to manage to mutter those words when they need to the most, and other people overapologize like i t's some sort of reflex. "aw man that person just totally stepped in front of me and i almost hit them: oh! i'm so sorry!". um what? why am i sorry? because i assume and near misses or actual accidents are my fault because i'm visually impaired. it's an easy assumption to make that you're always at fault. but then why am i apologizing for something out of my control? and oftentimes accidents are a mutual bumping into each other or maybe not even my fault, since i usually yield to other people to avoid any collisions. but once i realized that by automatically apologizing and walking away whenever someone gets angry at me i was actually hurting myself and perpetuating ignorance. basically, i got fed up. i remember the exact moment when i stood up for myself and said i wasn't going to take it anymore. i was at an airport bathroom and coming out of the stall i bumped into someone as our paths crossed en route to the sinks. it was a busy time and women are coming/going every which way. i apologized for bumping into this woman who was really short (like reallllly short. i'm 5'6" and she had to be about 4'10") and out of my peripheral vision. in this case it may have been more my fault than hers, but it was crowded. i didn't knock her over or step ON her, so it was a pretty harmless accident. i sincerely apologized and continued to the sink. she was washing her hands next to me and proceed to chastise me for not watching where i was going and how i needed to be more careful. that's when i snapped. i turned to her, politely but firmly told her "ma'am, i apologized for bumping into you and i sincerely meant it. but please don't lecture me on my 'carelessness'. i'm actually legally blind and did not see you. it was an honest mistake for which i am sorry about." and you know what? SHE apologized. too often we jump to the worst conclusions and maybe even ignore sincerity. she felt like an ass, which she should have for not accepting my apology at face value. i shouldn't h ave to explain to people that i'm blind without looking blind. so to the people reading this, please keep it in  mind when dealing with what you might consider rude or careless behavior. accept the apology and let it go.

4. in the theme of not caring so  much about what other people think and self care, i've started using my cane more. it's been interesting, especially when i used it for the first time in front of people i know (went to disneyland after christmas and definitely needed it to navigate crowds after sunset). it's been a bag of mixed emotions- sadness, fear, empowerment. once when using it during rush hour in downtown SF i had two strangers offer help in a span of 4 blocks while i was walking to the BART station. it was right before christmas and i'm sure  most people were rushing home that friday evening for late shopping or travel plans, so i was touched by strangers taking 30 seconds to be nice. it was also sort of awkward for me declining them since i'm sure they were wondering why i appeared to look "normal" and sighted but using a cane. but then i learned to not focus or care about that. 

5. being  your own advocate sucks, but it's just a part of life. i  never wanted to be some sort of poster child for RP, but the fact that i have this disease just means it's part of the territory. like, it's a part of me and affects my life sometimes so i at times have to be a one woman PSA about it. like with the whole bathroom incident. and knocking over expensive lamps (see previous post). that being said..february is Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month. if you don't know about it, i encourage you to check out a more official website like Foundation Fighting Blindness, which covers other eye diseases as well. you can also check out their Facebook page if you want to learn  more about research developments (most recent one is that THC helps slow the progression...guess i should move to washinigton or colorado and start smoking for my health!). honestly, the more people know the better it is for people who have RP. no, you'll never get what it's like for us, but it does save a lot of stress of trying to explain/apologize/etc. i used to be so affected by people who were honestly just mean because they didn't realize i wasn't simply rude/careless/selfish. compassion only comes after awareness.

6. running is my lifesaver. whether i'm a current runner or a recovering runner or a runner on hiatus,  i have come to terms that yes, i am indeed a real runner. even if i go months without running, whether self or injury imposed, it's an integral part of my life. i'm so fortunate to have found this sort of love  in my life at a young age. i was 11 when i joined track and became a runner. it has literally saved me from a deep depression and self destruction. it's my therapy, my escape, my teacher and first true love. as a runner with a long injury list, i've learned to embrace the healing process and move forward. lately i've had some mental blocks about running again, but like with anything in life, you've got to push through and face your fears. and while it's a delicate balance of being sad over losing my vision and limiting what capacity i can run versus savoring the miles i can still log, i know that it's a lifelong affair for me. everyone needs to have that one thing that keeps them grounded and motivated and sane. if you haven't found it yet, you should try to figure it out asap. it's bittersweet and so worth it.

ok, so it's not a long list but it's an important start for me. there will always be bad days and periods when it's painful or depressing or stressful or perhaps seemingly unbearable, but as always, life goes on. in the grand scheme of things, life is actually pretty great. so yes, happy birthday to me!

ps- thanks to all those who have made my birthday, and life as a whole, special. i feel so loved =)

the unforeseen costs

i totally got down on myself yesterday for about 20 minutes.i had a moment where i literally felt frozen, panicked and just plain awful. i was standing in front of a pile of broken glass, another victim of my disease. it was dusk and i was walking to meet with a coworker after his shift and two blocks from the store i banged into a table holding very pretty (read: pricey) lamps. it was an small local shop and i stood there, angry because i walked into yet another thing that's going to leave a mark, and feeling like i was a walking blind disaster. the owner came out and asked what happened. for a split second i wasn't sure how to answer without it sounding like a lame excuse: oh i just bumped into the table, didn't see it. i look totally normal and all but you know, i'm actually blind.

i immediately apologized and did tell him that i bumped into the table. he seemed annoyed that my first words weren't "oh let me pay for it!". which is pretty much what his next words were. i apologized again and told him that i just didn't see the table, and as i paused trying to figure out how to explain it he replied with "that table has been outside of my store for about a year now. i'm just a small business and now i can't sell this lamp."  i blinked back tears and blurted out "i'm legally blind! i don't have peripheral vision so that's why i hit the table."  that's when HE apologized and said that changes things, that i shouldn't have to pay for the lamp.

that's probably the most annoying thing about having RP, the complicated explanations. there is no quick and simple answer without feeling like you're revealing your soul to strangers. most people have preconceived ideas of what blindness (or any disability) is. it's a white cane and sunglasses. it's a person that just sees darkness. it's a guide dog. it's not a 20-something girl leaving the gym in an outfit that matches her pink running shoes. and you're probably thinking, well why not use your cane? the honest answer is that i don't feel "blind enough", which is also a ridiculous answer. there have been times that i've had my cane out and people totally steer clear of me but give me suspicious looks, and some have even asked pointed questions about it. "i saw you texting. why do you have a cane?" that was an actual question when i was on the bus. there's the assumption i'm faking it. i've actually had a guy yell at me when i was with my sister as i got into her car because we were parked in handicap. i have a handicap placard and use it whenever i'm a passenger. yes, it makes parking easier (and free! don't have to pay for meters) but it also make it easier for me. i know i have fully functioning legs and so i can walk from the far spaces, but i don't have fully functioning eyes to help navigate cars or shopping carts in the parking lot. and one i realized that i stopped feeling guilty for using my placard. and yes, having my cane with  me 24/7 will also help navigate objects, like tables full of lamps jumping out of no where, but having a cane would also slow me down. literally. i couldn't break into a run to catch the bus, or i'd feel obligated to be a walking PSA about how one can see and still be legally blind. in my past experience, a cane has been more of a burden than a help at this point. i'm sure it will change as it feels like the day when having a cane is necessary is rapidly approaching.

in the past i would often just apologize to people and walk away, trying not to care if they were angry and thought i was rude/a klutz/whatever. there was an incident where i bumped into an elderly lady in the bathroom at the airport. she was really short and i completely missed her as i stepped towards the sink i apologized and said excuse me and she reprimanded me saying i needed to watch where i was going and to be more careful. this was the point where i'd usually ignore her and just go about my day. i don't know if it was because she kept scolding me while washing her hands next to me, or perhaps i was just fed up with strangers judging me, but i cut her off and said "look, i apologized. i'm actually visually impaired and didn't see you. i wasn't being careless." it's a scary thing to admit blind spot, whatever it may be, to complete strangers. or maybe it's scary to have a label put on yourself--  by telling someone about my condition i am no longer a random stranger but now a Blind Stranger. the response is always the same: "oh i'm sorry, i didn't know." well duh! if you had known you wouldn't have been such a poopyhead about it! that's another part of the problem, a lack of general compassion for people. everyone carries a burden whether obvious or not. why not try to give people the benefit of the doubt before judging or retaliating?

hitting that table yesterday was both physically and emotionally painful. it never occurred to me that i would create a path of damages, that having RP would cost more than just degrees of vision. i lose things on a daily basis, miss things (like my phone on the table) and leave them behind. i often knock over things (glasses, bottles, and now, lamps). there are times when i vent my frustration over yet another lost item or time spent trying to find something right in front of me, and my friends will say "i lose/knock over stuff too!". i know it's meant to make me feel better and that i'm not the only one. every incident is just a reminder that that my vision is failing me. after i broke the lamp all i really wanted to was curl up in a ball and cry. and i almost did cry on the sidewalk. i almost texted my coworker to cancel. i almost gave up on my night to wallow instead. i didn't and i ended up having a great night. i bonded with a coworker who is now a genuine friend. turns out he had read my blog before and already knew about my condition, though it never came up in conversation before. i was really surprised that a) he read my blog (or that anyone does really!) and b) a small sense of relief that i didn't have to have the explanation conversation. it also isn't such a game changer anymore; when i was 17 and had to tell people i often saw a change in how they saw and treated me. i became more fragile and helpless to a lot of people. at 27 people are still surprised in their reaction, but there isn't that immediate "oh you poor thing, i need to help you!" vibe anymore. i don't know if it's because i'm older or because i carry myself better when telling people. i still only tell people on a need to know basis, or when the topic of why i don't have a license comes up.

living with RP hasn't gotten any easier in the last ten years but it it has become a new normal for me. i know that doesn't make sense and doesn't sound very positive, but it's actually very reassuring. it's often a constant struggle with the little setbacks, like losing my phone for the billionth time or accidentally breaking things and adding to my collection of bruises, but the coping part has gotten a lot easier. the pain and frustration is as acute as ever but recovering from it is a lot quicker. if i had broken an expensive  lamp years ago i would have been in a funk for days, coming to grips with yet again more vision loss and being angry with myself for not trying harder to be more careful. this time i took a day to be ok with not feeling ok and reflect, which led to this blog post. a friend tried to cheer me up and say that i'm so awesome and that shop owner was just a dick blah bah blah. i defended the guy because he didn't know, just like i didn't know if maybe he was having a really shitty day too. i also realized that i have to acknowledge my own shitty feelings and be ok with feeling down sometimes, because sometimes it IS really fucking hard to be going blind. denying that would only hurt myself. and that holds true for anything else that gets us down, whether it be losing your sight or losing a loved one or losing your job. you have to embrace those dark negative feelings before you can let them go, otherwise we would never heal.

six months, six days

six months ago i was running, feeling happy and free, when one misstep changed my life. i fractured my tibia, bruised my femur and tore my meniscus. i was then sentenced to a leg brace and crutches which led me to spend three months in socal with my parents. i couldn't work and i couldn't walk, so i had to depend on others for the first time in a long time. it was a difficult and most humbling lesson.

i was born with a hearing loss and so i never knew differently. as long as i can remember i've worn hearing aids and they are just a part of me and my life, one i never really think about. it wasn't until i was a teenager that my vision loss was discovered and only after that did i notice any changes. it's been ten years since i was diagnosed and i've almost reached a point where i can't remember how much i could see before. the last time i remember seeing stars  was was the summer of 2002. i wish i had a clearer memory of that night, but it was the night of my first kiss so stars weren't front and center. i do remember seeing a shooting star, making a wish, and being really happy. you never think that any moment will be the last time. you never think about the little things you will miss later. having a broken leg reiterated all the little things i missed doing on my own: cooking, carrying anything, freedom to easily move around, taking a shower, sleeping comfortably. it was like all my basic human functions were made to be either difficult or painful. and let's not forget the obvious missing piece, running.

i remember thinking one time how it was funny, in an awful way, that i was accumulating physical handicaps. hearing, seeing, walking...what a trifecta! i've gotten down about going blind at times in the past (and i know it will affect me at times in the future) but having a broken leg hit me really hard. it was emotionally destructive and i really struggled with it. i don't know if it was the cherry on top or what, but being on crutches for 13.5 weeks was a huge challenge for me. there were times i was in a wheelchair and it opened my eyes to a whole new world. you know that saying how you can't know what someone is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes? try rolling a mile in their chair to really learn compassion. so much time was spent just getting from one place to another, even as simple as moving from one room to another. i went to disneyland and used a wheelchair for the day. yes, front of the line perks, but mostly it was eye opening using a crowded public bathroom in a chair. i was often surprised how rude and careless people were, but i was also touched by the kindness of strangers. i met a man who offered to pay for my seat upgrade on my flight from LA to DC, a woman gave me her paul mitchell hair appointment at the Nike Race Expotique, and on my flight back home a flight attendant took special care to give me ice packs and extra snacks. there were enough people to restore faith in humanity.

there were friends who were also great at being supportive and encouraging, letting me cry and vent but also never letting me pity myself. my parents were also amazing, taking me in and caring for me like i was a kid again. my dad even said me being home was like having a five year old around, always having to prepare food for me, carry things for me, do my laundry, etc. i am so thankful and blessed to have loving parents. of course we have had our differences, and i'm sure there were countless times i yelled "i hate you!" as a kid, but i've come to realize my parents are good people. like REALLY good people. they are trustworthy and reliable, responsible and caring, and most importantly, faithful. Faithful to God, family and friends. last week i witnessed the strength of my parents' character when i was at a funeral of a dear family friend. i felt so proud and lucky to be their kid.

my dad's best friend passed away recently and i flew home for the funeral. i wanted to be there for my dad, and because i had grown up with the family. they were good people, and i know they were especially good to my parents when my dad was first diagnosed. Tony and Diane were there the day my dad had surgery and found out it was cancer. Diane comforted my crying sister while Tony put his arm around my mom as she told him it was the worst day of her life. he told her it was going to be ok, we were all going to get through this. i wish i had been there, but i was kept in the dark about how serious things were at the time. my parents didn't want me to worry, so i was 400 miles away and oblivious to the gravity of the situation. Tony and Diane were there for the doctor visits and to help out after, offering prayers and support and love. years before Tony battled prostrate cancer and survived, so i think it was really comforting for my parents to have them around. They had been there done that.

about a year ago Tony, who never smoked, was diagnosed with lung cancer. it was devastating news for everyone. i remember feeling heartbroken that this man had to endure cancer, AGAIN. this time around the news was worse, as the cancer had spread to other organs and his brain. whenever i talked to my dad i would ask for updates, but oftentimes the news was not encouraging. my dad is a stoic man and does not like to burden others with his feelings. i always ask how he is doing and the response is the same: "i'm ok" these past couple of months my parents have visited Tony almost daily, helping care for him and for his family. My mom bought groceries and help cleaned the house. she comforted Diane and the kids, all adults. she babysat grandchildren. my dad watched his best friend slowly die from cancer as he went through his own cancer treatments. i can't even imagine what my parents felt and went through. i only know that they have incredible strength and faith. at the service i saw how grateful Diane and all five kids were for my parents' support and friendship. it made me see the beauty of a 30+ year friendship between families. and i appreciate my parents even more now.

in six days i am running the Nike Women's Half Marathon. last year i ran the race in honor of my dad, who is still fighting cancer. this year i will run in memory of Tony, who was one of those rare individuals to touch so many lives. my  dad was asked to say something at the service and in his speech he says how he looked up to Tony. i think my dad is the best guy ever (despite being really stubborn and making fun of my pink hair) so if he looked up to Tony then that speaks volumes. i know this race will be physically difficult with 30,000 people (30,000 tripping hazards!) i am so happy and thankful i'm able to run again. that i have recovered from a broken leg and broken spirit, that i have strong healthy lungs to carry my legs through 13.1 miles. that despite blindness, i am still running.

the year of inaugural races

i work at a running/swim specialty store and there are some awesome perks, like trying out the newest shoes and a sweet employee discount. another, albeit rare, perk is getting race entries. i was able to get an entry to Nike SF, which was my first race that i actually ran. then Nike opened up the race series to a half in DC, which i promptly signed up for last november. i was only doing it because it was the inaugural DC race and my first out of town/state race. unfortunately i got injured just weeks before it (read previous post) so i didn't get to run.

this year was also the inaugural Rock n Roll SF half marathon, which i was able to score a last minute entry to the sold out race. i was also able to get a friend to be my guide for the race, even though she had never done a half before. the RnR series people were so great about providing a second bib for a guide; my previous experience in trying to get a bib for Nike SF was a mess and also for DC. The original plan was that my friend would run the first half of it and i would pay for a cab ride back to the start/finish line. She wanted to run across golden gate bridge, which was about the 7 mile mark. in the end she was feeling great and ran the whole thing, which i was super grateful for. RnR SF was about 6,000 runners, a much less crowded race in comparison with the 22,000 Nike runners and had a much more staggered start line. those two things alone really helped improve my race experience.

i learned from Nike that i needed a guide, i learned from RnR how wonderful racing can be. i get it now! racing alone was such a stressful experience that i never got to focus on the running aspect of it. racing with a guide made a world of difference because i only needed to focus on her when in crowded situations, like right at the start and running across the bridge. plus she made sure to look out for me at times too, whenever there was a curb or getting water at the aid stations. it was also helpful having her around to keep a steady pace. i, ever the procrastinator, didn't really train for it (yeah, another race without training, bad sarah!). around mile 9/10 i hit a runner's high and couldn't help but run faster. i ended up leaving my friend behind for those last few miles (she was listening to music the whole race so it wasn't like we were chatting and i was abandoning her) and felt like i  was running for reals for the first time in a long time. the kind of running that felt effortless, where your body seamlessly flies along the road. where you feel free and invincible...passing others only fuels your speed. and then finally, i saw the finish line and instinctively started my kick. i felt the rush of my old racing days in high school come back to me and i realized i was smiling as i ran. then BOOM some girl cut me off and we both trip a little before regaining our strides. oh right, a reality check. i can run like the wind but i still can't see who's on my side. whoops, it was like i forgot about the blind girl running part.

the incident definitely threw me off a bit, and there were a couple more bumps and near collisions so the last quarter mile was slower than i'd like. but i crossed the finish line and knew i had a better time than my Nike race.  i waited around for a few minutes for my friend and we found each other in the crowds, grabbed water and food and headed towards the much needed beer garden. oh yeah, the rock n roll race series has a beer garden after the finish line. you get a medal and a beer!

we stretched out and ate bananas and as we walked to the entrance someone asked if we were going to use our beer tickets. um, yeah! we had been up since 5 am and just ran 13.1 miles. a beer at 9 am is totally justifiable, and really, almost necessary.

it was a great race, a beautiful course and perfect weather. when i checked my official finish time i ended up with 2:10, which made me want to run 2:00 in DC. i know i would have been able to do it, but life (meaning injuries) get in the way sometimes. there's always next year for Nike DC, and you better believe i'm going to get my PR on that course. i joked about having a Nike curse: i got a stress fracture and dropped out the week before Nike SF 2011 and then a tibial fracture two weeks before Nike DC 2013. but i'm a glutton for punishment because i signed up for Nike SF 2013, the 10th anniversary race. it's in october which gives me three months of rehab/training after crutches. i dream big, what can i say?

speaking of dreaming big, this november will be the inaugural berkeley half marathon and yup, i want to run that too. so far my strategy has been sign up now, find a guide later. it's only june which means i have plentyyyy of time to convince someone to run with me =)

my vision continues to get worse over time and there very well may be a point when i will have to retire my beloved running shoes (which are currently Brooks Drift, Nike 3.0 v4 and Altra Torin- and don't worry, i am well aware i have a running shoe probem. my collection is currently up to 14 pairs) and give up running. but for now i can keep my dreams alive with a little assistance. eventually i am going to run a damn full marathon, and i'd really like to stay healthy enough to get a BQ. running Boston is the crowning achievement for many runners, and the competitive side of me wants it bad. plus, i will admit, there is a part of me that wants to relish the bragging rights of saying i ran Boston, and oh yeah i'm blind too. not gonna lie, i would feel so badass if i could do that.

when recovery is anything but

it has been four long months since i've posted. i've admitted in the past that i'm not very good at this, at being consistent. oftentimes i will draft amazing and profound posts in my head when i'm running, on BART, waiting at the doctor's office...pretty much anywhere but in front of a computer. all those pearls of wisdom vanish the moment i finally sit down to write.

the last four months have been an emotional roller coaster, both inside and outside of my running life. currently i am recovering from an injury, yet another running injury. i have a fractured tibia and torn meniscus. it's been eight weeks and counting since i've been allowed to walk. the bummer part is that i potentially have another four weeks to go. on crutches. me, a well known klutz and visually impaired. yeah, it's been quite the interesting adventure.

it's also been a wake up call and a period of completely tearing down every aspect of myself. being legally blind has made me fiercely cling to every ounce of independence i can maintain; being blind AND crippled has humbled me beyond words. i have told people in the past how much they take for granted- driving is a privilege not a right! and yet as i have been spouting those cliches i had yet to learn them myself. HEALTH is not a given right, and we must earn it by taking care of ourselves. as a runner this should be obvious. you must train smart in order to continue running, right? well i'm not the best at that either. there's a certain level of recklessness that i embrace due to the fact that i know my sight isn't guaranteed tomorrow or next year. i've adopted a sort of carpe diem attitude since my diagnosis, which has served me well and not so well. i've stepped out of my comfort zone to travel alone, which is a positive thing, but i've also pushed myself too hard to be independent and have gotten physically hurt as a result (getting hit by a car while running in my neighborhood for instance). i suppose God felt it was time for me to learn another hard life lesson, which is that we cannot do it completely alone. ask my friends, my family, and my exes and they will all tell you i'm very independent and possibly that i'm also very stubborn. God must have been laughing at my naivete since here i am, in a full leg brace learning to let others do things for me. learning to ask for help. learning that i am indeed not as self sufficient as i thought.

when i first hurt my knee the initial diagnosis was a torn meniscus, which would mean complete rest for a while but then resuming normal activities after a week or so. but my doctor wanted to get an MRI to be on the safe side, and that's when i found out i had a partial meniscus tear in addition to a fractured tibia and femoral contusion. wooooo. i guess if you're gonna get hurt, do it in a big way! (um, don't. i m not recommending that to anyone.) so when my recovery time went from one week to months, my parents suggested i fly down to socal to stay with them. i did since it seemed like a better alternative to sitting alone in my apartment all day everyday. it is a better alternative, but not necessarily an easier one. i've been out of the house for nine years and this temporary move back in is an adjustment. i usually don't stay in LA for an extended amount of time because i have to rely on others for a ride. it quickly gets frustrating not being able to go wherever whenever you want. and this time around i have to rely on others to carry or get things for me, to help me get around, cook for me, do my laundry...basically take care of me.

it has been emotionally taxing, feeling so physically broken and helpless. not being able to run has been especially hard. i got injured a week after i did the rock n roll sf half marathon (which deserves its own post) and two weeks before the nike women's half marathon in dc. i was on such a high after getting a PR at rock n roll, and super excited for my first out of town race...i felt like i was finally hitting my stride as a runner. and then i had a freak accident while running that left me broken in more ways than one. while my leg has been healing over the past couple of months, i feel like my heart has only been breaking. part of my identity has been stripped away and my life has been put on hold; i left my apartment, my job, my running shoes, and the bay area behind. Things and places and people i love and miss dearly.it is true that i left to return to my hometown and family and friends here, but this is no longer my home. my life is not here anymore and i am reminded of that everyday. i know that this too shall pass, that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, that healing takes time. but for me, this particular recovery time has been a breakdown and constant struggle. i do try to make the best of it, which is why i have a temporary desk while i am here, thanks to a friend. it doesn't pay much and is really just something to do and add to my resume. i am grateful for the learning experience, which is that i need a job i care about or else it will slowly kill my spirit. life is too short to not be happy and do what you love.

so my recovery has been more of a breakdown, leaving me feeling lost and confused. it's been a time that's forced me to think and learn a few things. and, i suppose, grow a little. i have a feeling my real recovery will happen when i get to unpause my life and start moving forward again.

Believing is Seeing: let me introduce you to Laura

In the fourth grade I had a class assignment of doing a report on any historical figure. I can't remember why, but I (prophetically) chose Helen Keller. Perhaps because she's the only famous deaf woman, and since being born with a hearing loss I felt some sort of connection. Whatever the reason my 10 year old self had no idea just how much I would relate to the admirable Helen Keller years later. It's a pretty amazing story she has- living in a dark and soundless world and yet managing to be successful and inspiring. Most people, myself included, can't imagine losing a primary sense like hearing or sight. I once read a statistic that most people would prefer to lose hearing over sight, and further more, would choose cancer over blindness. That second part was mind blowing to me. Cancer! But I can also understand why: there are treatments and even cures for cancer (and constant ongoing ground breaking research for it) whereas blindness isn't always treatable, let alone curable. I guess you would have better odds with cancer.

A good friend of mine just became a published author this week. She is an artist and she has the same eye disease as me. I'm a blind runner and she's a blind artist; we make quite the pair. She wrote a short memoir about living with and accepting RP. Each person who has RP has a completely unique story because it affects us all differently. I've been living with it for almost 10 years now, but Laura found out three years ago at 22. I've been legally blind since high school and she has to guide me around when we go out. While not life threatening, this disease can be isolating and soul threatening. Because it's so rare it's very likely to never randomly meet someone on the street who also has it. I'm thankful to be alive in this digital age and be able to reach out to an online community. In fact, I met Laura through a mutual friend on facebook. Our mutual friend had sought me out in an Usher's Syndrome group, and I noticed Laura write on his wall about seeing the doctor to determine if she had RP or not. I sent her a message telling her that I know it can be a scary process going through a barrage of eye tests and facing a bleak prognosis. It was out of character for me, since I had never done that before (or since). But that message started a very special friendship that I am so grateful to have.

At the time Laura was attending art school in Laguna Beach. She eventually moved back home to the East Bay to sort through the aftermath and pursue writing. She started a blog about her diagnosis process, and it was funny and honest and refreshingly optimistic. We were only an hour BART ride from each other and we made it a point to meet in person to commiserate, laugh, cry and hope together. Though we are still at very different points in our disease, there is a lot of emotional similarities. Feeling lost in the uncertainties, adjusting to a new reality with every degree lost, dealing with those close to us who don't know how to react. Putting dreams on hold, and then encouraging one another to pick them back up again.

I'm still pursuing my goal of a marathon and Laura has picked up her paintbrush again, in addition to writing her first book. For another perspective I encourage you to check it out:

Believing is Seeing by Laura Lawson is available here

let's get personal: life goes on so i'm running with it

i've been really bad about keeping this updated. i keep meaning to post, and i halfway start writing and then find myself distracted with other things. but two people said things to me that made me think and i feel the need to write as a result.

i stopped posting mainly because i stopped running for the better part of the last couple months. i ran a half in october, but i didn't train for it and sort of slacked off after too. i've come to realize that this blog isn't just about my running life, though i did set out for it to be that way; it crosses over into the personal stuff too. so here i am, getting personal.

i have mentioned in previous posts that i was in a relationship, without getting into gritty details, i had to end that a few days ago. when i realized the foundations upon which it was built were broken. it was a serious relationship; we didn't talk about *if* we would get married but *when*. as someone who never had marriage in my life plans, it was a big deal for me to think in those terms. a friend asked me how i was doing today, and i said i was honestly ok. the first couple of days were hard- a period of shock and pain and anger and confusion and then the numbness when you reach your emotional limit. my friend replied, surprised, "wow, you're tough. you're handling it so well." i didn't know how to answer that, so i just said "i can't change what's out of my control. i just have to move forward." in my head i was thinking, well i've had  a lot of other shit to deal with in my life. trauma is no stranger, in it's many forms of betrayal and disappointments. my own body is betraying me everyday. people that were closest to me and most trusted have taught me how deep pain can cut through you. accidents and cancer happens. and i realized i am tough, i have made it this far through each life bomb and i'm still standing. each time it feels like your world is collapsing, closing in on you and ending at your feet. but i've learned that it's just the world as i know it, that pain is from the breaking of the shell that encloses understanding (wish i could take credit for that line, but i read it somewhere and never forgot it).

then a little later i saw an email notification that someone left a comment on my blog (wait, people actually read what i write?? one: super awesome, two: how sweet!) and it really made my day. it was very encouraging and i cannot express how much it meant to me. this person said i helped cheer her up and give inspiration, which is more than i hoped to do with this blog. she also sent a link about a trial for artificial implants in patients with RP. a complete stranger took a few minutes of her day and made mine so much better. it's the little things in life.

i do have running related news to share as well. i am signed up for the Nike Women's Half Marathon in DC next april. i'm trying to figure out the details of how to get a guide, and to find one. i would love to run the Rock N Roll Marathon New Orleans february 24, and they have even said i can get a coach bib if i find a guide. which is the big issue...finding someone willing to stick with me for 26.2 miles and not get a finishing medal or official finishing time of their own. ah well, i've had bigger challenges than that before ;) so if there's anyone out there reading this that would be interested, or knows a runner willing to be a guide, please let me know!

one last thing i'm appreciating throughout the shit storms is that people can be wonderfully surprising. i've been touched by kind words and hugs from unexpected places. it's easy to focus on all the awful painful parts of life, reflect on that growing list of tragedies and overlook the good that people show you in those times. despite the harm that people can and may cause, there are much more sources of warmth and comfort to restore your faith in this world. no matter what happens, life goes on and so will you and i. after all even winnie the pooh got it: "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

why NWM was the worst thing i've ever done, and why i can't live without running

it's the day after my first half marathon and physically i'm ok. i admitted before i wasn't in great shape (i realized i only got two runs in the month before...oops!) but i knew the running part wasn't going to be my biggest challenge. i had huge, and some would say irrational, fears of tripping and being trampled. while that didn't happen, by fears were not unjustified.

the race was as just as miserable, even worse at times, as i thought it would be. i basically wanted to cry the whole time. it was the biggest NWM to date, with over 25,000 runners. majority are halfers, with only about 6,000 full marathoners (i think, numbers may be off but that is a ballpark figure). i almost had a panic attack getting to my start corral; there were people everywhere, runners and spectators alike, milling about and stopping to take pictures. it's pre-dawn so it's hard to see (even with street lights and some additional lighting near the start there are always dark pockets that are difficult for me to see). it's chaotic to say the least. i managed to find a volunteer to ask where i needed to be, but she wasn't quite sure. she was letting people though the gate who were a slower start time than myself. another team in training person (not in my group, from central california chapter) also had the same color band as me and we both were a bit lost. another volunteer pointed to where we needed to go, but given my limited peripheral vision, i didn't see where he was pointing amidst the chaos. luckily i was able to follow the TNT guy to our start. it helped he was taller than most women and had decorated his shirt with metallic letters. 

ok, made it to the start corral. i took a couple of breaths and looked around me. it's hard not to feel claustrophobic with a sea of people in front of you, and a sea quickly filling up behind you. i took some pictures, tweeted, texted my sleeping boyfriend, and did my best to keep calm. there are people giving pep talks and trying to get the crowd stretched and warmed up over the sound system, pumping music and whoo-ing all over, but i'm just thinking "just make it through the initial rush." i would later learn that it doesn't really thin out much. the next 13.65 (according to my runkeeper app, since i was a bit way from the official start line) would be a battle- i had to constantly scan to try not to trip or bump into anyone. it was an impossible feat, and i stopped counting how many "i'm sorry"s i doled out and flat tires given after mile 2. i wasn't prepared for that. runners weaving through were a nightmare for me because to me, they were literally coming out from no where. i was so frustrated because i couldn't run at my own pace, instead being cautious and slow and getting boxed in. i had a hard time trying to pass others and so i ended up running a much slower race than i'd liked. i never got my own stride going. 

another thing i was worried about were the water stops. fortunately, they are impossible to miss. unfortunately, i can't easily make my way to them and grabbing a cup and run away. so that was another delay for me. but i felt well hydrated and fueled for the race, which is the important part.

though i have lived in the bay area for eight years, i do not know san francisco that well. outside of downtown (and walking distances of bart stations) i am pretty much a tourist. that being said, i was sort of aware of the course but i didn't really know it. i've heard about the hills, which never scared me. i'm weird because i loooove hills. in my cross country days i won many races by killing it on the hills. one of my strategies was to pass up people on the hills, make up some ground that way. i did not take into account the groups of five or six women who would walk up the hill side by side. or the barely running people who probably could've walked faster. as i already mentioned, i couldn't really weave through the crowds. the hills weren't hard for me and i felt so restrained. talk about suckage. at some point in the race, around mile 6, i kinda had to give up being polite and cautious. i tried to pass up people, said "sorry!" as i almost always knocked into someone one one side. the one big hill of the course i heard a woman say "we're walking just as fast as people running" which i am guessing was in response to some frustrated runner trying to get around her. i really wanted to yell out "no, lady! some of us want to run faster but you and your walking buddies are blocking the who freakin' path!" this was my first race so i don't know of any race etiquette, but isn't there some unwritten code for runners and walkers on the same course? like walkers, get the fuck out of the way? or shouldn't there be? ok, in a much nicer way, shouldn't there be an understood rule that if you need to walk then move to the side so that there is a clear moving path for runners in the middle, or move to the right and people can run up the left. that sort of thing. also, don't be more than three across or something.  i totally understand if you need to walk- i did for a brief time- but try to run slowly to the side and walk. just don't stop when you're dead center of the course and people are right behind you.

at mile 7 i started to feel a blister on my right foot. my big toe, actually. i couldn't understand how or why, since i wasn't using new socks or new shoes and i've never had a blister in the spot before. i have very rarely gotten blisters in the past, so this was just the worst timing ever. by mile 8 i wanted to stop and cry in a ball on the side of the road. i felt so beaten, emotionally. blind girl running seemed like the stupidest thing ever. now a blister was making itself head with every step, and even though i tried not to, my gait was being altered and so i could feel a dull ache in my knee (which, for the record, was my "good" knee). i thought about why i was doing this, about my dad and the honorees i've met and learned about in the past 18 months, about that damn little blue box, and i realized i had to keep going. it wasn't about running a stupid 13.1 mile race, it was proving myself that no matter what, i'm still a runner. being a runner is one of my earliest identifiers and first loves, i wasn't going to let rp take it way from me just yet. and so i kept running. eventually the blister became a nonissue (thanks adrenaline!) and i let my thoughts wander for a bit. i spent most of the race trying to focus on the people around me that i couldn't enjoy it. by mile 12 i felt like i could run forever. just like forrest gump. just keep running. runner's high i guess, but a completely different one than i have ever experienced before. it was more of a surrender to the run than a triumph over pain. i felt achy all over, my lower back and shoulders especially. my feet hurt with every step. i felt tired, since i couldn't fall asleep before midnight (running on four hours of sleep probably wasn't the best idea). but in that moment running was my everything. maybe i thought i could run the pain and stress away, i could run sickness and bad things away. at that moment i felt like if i stopped running i would stop breathing. i realized that no matter if battle injury after injury, or if life sometimes gets too busy for me to run, i am a runner. i will always be a runner. running is like oxygen to me. i need it in my life. that brief moment of revelation is one of two redeeming factors of the race. 

the second? 

yeah, it's my superficial reason. but it's my first (hopefully not last) piece of tiffany and i like that i got it for myself. even though i pretty much hated every minute of this race, i want to do it again next year. because i am a crazy runner and because i want to do the full. and because i want to start my own NWM tiffany collection.

i crossed the finish line at 2:44:23, my official finish time was 2:36:50. i did better and worse than i expected: i ran more than i thought i would (i thought i would run about 8 miles, run/walk 5. i ran about 11 miles and ran/walked about 2) but my overall time and pace was slower than my normal speed. i now know that i really do need a guide to run with, and perhaps a sign on my back to let other runner's know i can't see them from the sides (so don't try to cut me off, i might trip you on accident!). also, i will actually train and try to set a PR. i'm pretty confident with a little bit of effort, and a guide, i can make it closer to 2:00:00. plus, it took me about half an hour to get through the finisher's chute. it was a mob with people looking for each other, taking pictures, trying to get all the swag...another visually impaired nightmare. i got my necklace, my shirt, and some food some how (even got a picture with an SF fireman, tuxedo suited up handing out those tiffany boxes). a little further away from the madness i met up with a friend, which i was eternally grateful for to see a familiar face. he lives close to golden gate park and i really appreciated seeing someone after that emotional and hellish morning. he also helped me find my shuttle bus, which i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have been able to do on my own.  today i feel fine, just general soreness that was to be expected. i took the day off from work and so i've been pretty lazy, eating as much as i can (i never seem to feel full!) and blogging. i'll have to wait until that ugly blister heals before i can get into the groove of running again, this time for me and not for training. i lost motivation long ago with the pressure of needing to train that i forgot i just need to run. so my new goal is run when i need to, which is whenever i feel like it. and to find a race partner for my first full, hopefully sometime in march or april. i'll be accepting applications now ;)